Coming Out Stole My Childhood

This story contains graphic details and talk of trauma (i.e. suicide attempts, sexual assault, discrimination).

I came out as trans in 2009. The way people reacted to my coming out changed the course of my life forever and stole the rest of my childhood. I wanted to be normal and accepted. I wanted an easier life. I didn’t want to fight. But being out forced me into politics and to become an activist to survive. Things I loved began to fall. I loved doing performing arts, mostly vocal music and musical theater. My passion was to study vocal music at the University of Nebraska at Lincoln. However, that too changed. 

After I came out, nothing was the same. Everyone seemed to talk about me but not in a good way. Going to the doctor became more difficult and frequently I was deadnamed and misgendered. At school, I faced near-daily discrimination, bullying, and harassment. I was the only openly trans kid. Teachers and staff refused to call me Mika and she/her. I wasn’t allowed to use the girls’ restroom and changing rooms. The principal also wouldn’t let me go to my senior graduation because I planned to wear “girls” clothes and asked him to call me Mika. 

While I was in high school I tried to do “normal” teen activities. I had my first boyfriend when I was at Wahoo High School. After dating a week he wanted to be more intimate and I wasn’t ready. I was scared to show my body especially when I felt so ugly. He broke up with me a week later but convinced me to go out again. 

That night in his car on the side of a gravel road he forced himself on me. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t tell anyone. I thought that it was my fault for denying him sex earlier. This was how I lost my virginity. 

Moving forward, I didn’t speak of it and tried to repress the assault. I tried to be normal and attempted other activities such as going to the school dance where I wanted to wear a dress but instead wore male clothes. I also wanted to go with my boyfriend then, but we both knew we couldn’t because it wouldn’t be allowed. We didn’t even acknowledge each other at school. Everything we did was secretive. 

I desperately wanted to flirt with him freely. I wanted to hold hands at school and maybe sneak a kiss. I wanted to eat lunch together and more. But we couldn’t. 

As I started dressing more feminine many of my friends distanced themselves from me and it progressed to some of them bullying and harassing me. That’s also when my boyfriend broke up with me. He feared being outed. He was too scared to be himself because we lived in a small conservative town in Nebraska. 

Only later would I learn that we weren’t the only queer students. There were a handful including several of my friends. They came out the year I moved to Omaha and began school there. I did not give up on being who I am.

After moving to Omaha and because of everything I was going through I searched for help and found the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) of Nebraska. At the ACLU I learned what rights I had as a student. I learned about the First Amendment and my right to free speech even on the school campus. I learned about the Equal Access Act which allows students to form political and advocacy groups on campus. Because of them, I started a Gay Straight Alliance (GSA) and we began to push back. However, to get the GSA started the school made us jump through many hoops. 

Consequently, my academic standing dropped. I was focused on surviving and creating a safe space to exist. But I persisted and found classes I could escape into including German and psychology. I also escaped into music and varsity choir. I found ways to keep me sane. 

After 6 years of social transition, living daily as Mika and dressing in women’s clothes, I started my medical transition in 2015. To access gender-affirming hormone therapy I had to get approval via Iowa Medicaid and a letter from a therapist proving that I had gender dysphoria. The estrogen did reduce my gender dysphoria but didn’t get rid of it. I don’t think medicine can ever fully cure gender dysphoria. 

After a couple of years on estrogen and some breast growth, I felt better about my upper body. However, I was still disgusted with my genitals. Sometimes I would tuck my penis and even wear very restrictive underwear, leading to chronic pain and a couple of times I urinated blood. 

I struggled with my classes at the University of Iowa. I struggled with everything. It was so hard to care for myself when I was so disgusted. Doing normal things like hanging out with friends, dating, and having sex was so difficult. I hated what I saw in the mirror and began to hate myself, sometimes wishing I didn’t exist. Then in 2017, I tried to kill myself.

In 2019, the Iowa Supreme Court unanimously ruled denying gender-affirming care violated the Iowa Civil Rights Act. Later in the year, my doctor referred me for gender-affirming full-depth vaginoplasty. Nonetheless, before the legislative session ended, far-right Republicans passed a new law reinstating the ban on Medicaid coverage of gender-affirming surgeries. I was denied coverage for my surgery.

The ACLU of Iowa and I filed a lawsuit against the new law. During this case, I experienced a great deal of stress and frustration. I waited for the lawyers to fight it out in the courts while they discussed whether or not I would get the medically necessary gender-affirming surgery that my doctors agreed I needed. 

After this four-year legal battle, we won! I had my vaginoplasty on November 8th, 2022. 

Despite this win, the Iowa legislature banned Iowa youth from accessing gender-affirming care. I remember that day well. I was devastated. Soon, I worried that the new law could lead to banning the surgeries for adults. I felt that my win maybe didn’t matter. To my surprise, if you’re an adult on Iowa Medicaid you can access care regardless of the new law. 

The lessons I learned and the battles I fought made me the amazing person I am today. My life is not easy, but it’s sure exciting. 

Society has changed since I came out in 2009. At the time I didn’t know any other trans person. I didn’t see trans people on TV and never read a trans character in any of the Star Wars novels. I didn’t see any trans people in the Democratic Party. Only a handful of states protected trans rights. Iowa had just legalized marriage equality.

Being an out trans person is hard. I am proud of who I am today. No one can take that away from me. 

I thank all those who came before me and am thankful for the chance to follow in their footsteps.